The Least Epic Tale Ever Told
by ImmerKlein
Summary: Hyrule hosts an inter-dimensional competition, leading to excessive violence, hilarity, and things you wish you never knew. There was no sanity or continuity in the first place. Canon be damned here, though mostly for the sake of parody.


Disclaimers: If you recognize it, I don't own it. Except the midget. Because he doesn't exist.

--------------------------------------------

It was just that time of the year when things started to turn green and get warm, when one really knew that he or she could shake their fist at winter's receding back without fear of a sudden cold front jumping out of the middle of nowhere. Where one could really say "Yeah, that's right, Winter, take that and don't come back!", even though it was really just all silliness anyways.

With the green trees and the singing birds and the scent of fresh grass in the air, it was the perfect day for a walk, thought one Hero of Time. Yes, it was a beautiful day, with the golden sunlight filtering nicely through the trees, casting a warm glow all around. He led his horse Epona through the forest, happy to have a break from his usual non-stop crazy routine of trying to save his lovely, if somewhat unlucky, princess.

Yes, the Hero of Time was much tired of saving his princess, although it was his job, and he did get paid quite well for it. Not to mention the princess herself was something to look at. After all, one only had to come to her rescue so many times before one was finally noticed, right? Right?

One short stop later, Link was firmly nestled under a tree with every intention of taking quite a long nap. After all, Heroes hardly ever get vacations, if naps, unless they were very foolhardy, stupid, or narcoleptic.

It was not quite much time later when a very strange sound came from the region of Link's left shoe. If he didn't know better, it sounded quite like a midget being strangled, which was ridiculous, because everyone knows midgets don't exist. However, despite his half-awake reasonings, the sound continued to be repeated in aggravating frequency, which eventually caused him to heave a great sigh and open his eyes.

Before him, situated around the area of his left boot, was indeed a very small man, much resembling a midget, dressed in what very well could be lime green hot pants, a coconut bra, and cherry high-heels, which was not quite right for any person to be wearing. More or less, Epona had at some point sat on the poor man, and the resulting squeaking noise came from the expulsion of air from the (midget's?) chest cavity.

Link sat up and gave his horse, who was very much ignoring the squirming going on underneath her enormous horsey butt, a very stern look. "Epona," he said, with a touch of irritation in his voice, "get off the little person, please."

Epona snorted derisively and stood up slowly, as though just to irritate her owner, and trotted off to the other side of the clearing, where she sat down again, with a loud FRUMP. Link stared at her for a long moment before sighing heavily.

"Epona," he growled, "the person is stuck to your backside."

The horse, for some reason, looked quite offended. She scooted around on her butt a little, high-pitched squeaking noises emanating from her rear end that Link was sure had nothing to do with gas. With one last glare from Link, Epona sighed and stood up, presenting her rump to the Hero with a very dignified toss of her head. The little man, now a little crumpled from his unfortunate accident, twitched a little and rolled an eye to gurgle demandingly at Link. With a sigh, the Hero got to scraping him off.

After a good prying and a few warnings to Epona that she had better not even think about defecation or else great demise was shortly in her future, the little man was off and soon on his feet (although how he was able to stand was quite interesting in and of itself).

"Good SIR," the midget shouted, waving his good arm over his head in a large motion. "I have traveled DISTANCES to give you a message of importance!"

Link raised an eyebrow. Well, so much for a vacation, right?

"Through swamps filled with mobsters and creatures of the undead knights, I seek to find your favor so that we may go back and-"

"Okay, okay," Link said, raising his hands. "Just tell me where-"

"Over MOUNTAINS, good SIR, to seek the legend! I BESEECH THEE, sir, to assist in the rescue of a maiden so fair as to strike the eyes from the head-"

Link slapped his forehead. "Should have just let Epona sit on him," he muttered, as the little nutcase started to hurl spittle in his screaming.

"-Into the depths of despicable paradise to portray beauty unparalleled, my liege, to save this princess from such an appalling tthhhreat." At "threat" the midget let loose a veritable wave of spit, and if Link didn't have such good reflexes, he might have been hit.

"That's lovely," Link said, emerging from behind Epona, who glared at Link with the fury of a horse who really wanted to stomp a midget. "Alright, I suppose I can help out."

"Oh, dear, merciful god! Save her, lest she die at the hands of the beast! It rose from the depths of the gorge of Evil, the very bile and spew of Satan himself! Oh, throw not caution to the winds lest ye be destroyed and thine remains scattered across all the lands! Oh, pray, pray for your life, or suffer at the hands of the villain! Pray with me! It's not too late to save yourself from the spawn of hellfire, the being of brimstone, the god of all-eternal darkness! There's no time like the present! OH, GOD, THE HORRORS, THE HORRORS THAT LURK WITHIN!"

At these last words, the midget threw himself onto the ground and began convulsing. If Link didn't know any better, he would have said that it was all just a really, really, really weird dream and left his angry horse to stromple the little crazy person back into the dust he came from. But, there was mention of a princess, and with princesses, there were always rewards. Besides, Link was never the sort to turn aside a plea for help, what with that stupid curse-uh, power of the Triforce that compelled him to assist anyone who asked him for aid.

With the way's Epona's eye was twitching, he had better intervene quickly, otherwise the midget was sure to be fertilizer.

"O-kay," said Link slowly, nudging the liddle fella with his toe, after he had stopped convulsing. "I'll... help. Just get up, right?"

The midget sprang back onto his feet with surprising speed, grasping Link firmly around the legs and then running off into the distance. The Hero muttered a volatile curse, hoping that this time a deity actually _was_ listening, and followed in the general direction of the miniature nutcase.

After an hour or so of walking, the Hero came across a dejected-looking, ancient tower that obviously hadn't been dusted in a good amount of time. He rolled his eyes again and pushed open the rusty door with his foot, blinking in astonishment when the door simply fell off its hinges onto the floor.

Glancing back at Epona, who flopped down on the ground and began to roll around on some helpless bunnies, he walked into the tower.

Inside the tower, much unlike the areas he was used to, was of great disappointment. Some strangely shaped rocks rolled his way down the stairs, not posing much of a danger to him at all, and shortly thereafter he accidentally stepped on a wandering turtle. He spotted a few more of them, crawling miserably along the floor and casting frightened glances in his direction. Small pools of lava were placed in his path here and there, for some odd reason, though easily stepped over, and soon he arrived at a much larger door embellished with peeling red paint.

As he opened the door, he saw a very buxom blond young woman in a pink dress sitting cross-legged on the floor with a very large mutated turtle creature, performing some sort of breathing exercise.

"Let the negative energy flow out of you, focusing on the positive energy surrounding you, and let that flow inside with each breath, so that it becomes a cycle," she said, bringing her hands up in sync with her breathing. The giant thing followed suit, taking a deep breath. Link felt suddenly awkward, and cleared his throat a little to announce his presence.

"Oh!" The young woman said, smiling widely, appearing at Link's side with a speed that must have broken the rules of reality. "And who might you be?"

"I'm, uh, Link," he said, edging back slightly from the blond, who was staring intently up at him. "Some crazy midget said a princess needed help or something."

The giant turtle shook his head. "Why, that's silly. Midgets don't exist!"

Link shrugged. "Beats me, then. Maybe he was a dwarf impersonating a midget."

The two nodded in sage agreement. The woman smiled wider, showing her teeth and eyeing Link in that strange way that made him want to never trust insane midgets again. Although, he thought briefly, he probably shouldn't have listened to it in the first place.

"I'm Bowser," the giant turtle said. "I'm a villain."

"But doing so much better at it," the woman said, nodding sympathetically. She turned to Link with that creepy smile. "I'm Peach. I'm the princess of the Toadstool Kingdom. I, uh, haven't seen you around before."

"No, I guess you wouldn't," Link responded, smiling back and shivering internally. "You wouldn't happen to be in need of saving, then, right?"

Peach eyed him up and down for a moment. "Baby, you could save me anytime," she said under her breath.

"What was that?" Link asked, feigning deafness.

"Well, I mean, we weren't really planning on it, but I'm sure we could work something out," she replied. Bowser's ears drooped sadly. Peach cast a glance at the mutant and sighed. "Oh, but you know, we don't have to fight or anything like that."

A small tear appeared in the corner of Bowser's enormous eye. "Why?" he asked plaintively. "Are you saying that in a real battle I couldn't defeat a real hero?"

"Oh, no, Bowser," Peach said, hurriedly. "I'd just like for us to stay in our pre-programmed exercises. You know, the ones your therapist ordered."

While Peach gave Bowser the handkerchief she removed from the front of her dress, Link resisted the urge to just forget the stupid princess and leave. He had to be seeing the most idiotic villain he had ever met, but the princess was still at least moderately attractive, if not somewhat incredibly terrifying.

After Bowser had calmed down from his anxiety attack, and Peach had gotten him a chamomile tea, Link was just about ready to throw in the towel and call the whole thing off. A villain needing therapy? Hell, if Ganon or any of the other villains he had faced had been this pathetic, Zelda would have eaten them alive, and he wasn't entirely sure that was figurative.

It was right after the second hysteria attack, triggered by the lack of a reaction from Link when Bowser tried to look scary, that the door was flung open again, smacking Link in the side. Peach squealed and clasped her hands together, fluttering her eyelashes at the two newcomers.

A short, fat man in red overalls glared at Link, before turning to Peach and waving a hand at the hero. "Peach, what the hell is this?"

Peach pouted and folded her arms across her enormous chest. "Oh, Mario, he just was wandering by. You don't have to be all cranky and uptight about it."

Mario snorted, making his mustache wiggle like a dying caterpillar. "Sure, and those other four guys were just 'wandering' by as well, am I right? Peach, I swear to God, you're the biggest slut alive."

Huge tears began to well up in Peach's eyes, and she sniffed pathetically. "Baby, it wasn't like that this time, I swear! You know I told you I wouldn't do that anymore."

"Yeah? Well, I might believe that, if I didn't keep finding you underneath some jerk you jumped as soon as he stepped in the door!"

"Come on, Mario, don't be like that. You're the only one for me!"

"You know, if you didn't try to keep her in a broken-down fort with the lame mutant you found in the sewers, maybe she wouldn't cheat on you," the second man said, as he adjusted his green clothes carefully. "That, and if you didn't keep going out and getting drunk all the time-"

"Shut up, Luigi, no one likes you," Mario snapped, smacking his brother in the head.

As Peach, Mario, and Luigi continued to yell at each other, Bowser burst into tears, followed shortly by Peach. Link began to slowly edge toward the doorway, and as he crossed through, he turned and ran. He didn't stop until he found Epona, who was happily munching baby rabbits, who shrieked as they tried to run away.

"Epona, we're leaving now," he said, brushing the bunny carcasses off her saddle. Epona sighed, squished a few more bunnies, and then Link and Epona rode off into the forest, away from the bizarre ruin.

It was early evening when Link returned to Hyrule Castle. He led Epona into the castle gates, handing her off to a terrified stableboy who put on heavy gloves before accepting the reigns. As he walked up the steps of the castle, he saw a large field in the distance heavily occupied by workers. Something very large was being constructed, but Link couldn't really tell what it was.

"Oh, yes, Link, perfect timing!" An aged, fat man waddled down the stairs, picking up the edges of his robe so he wouldn't trip over them. He stopped and clasped his hands on top of his huge stomach, making him look like a furry pregnant woman.

"Your majesty," Link replied with no hint of enthusiasm, still looking out at the field. "So, what's that? Are we doing something interesting?"

The king laughed a little, shaking his head. "Oh, my yes. In fact, I decided it was time Zelda got herself married!"

Link twitched slightly. "Really? Are you considering my offer yet?" Because if he didn't get in on that, after all the hell he had been put through, someone was going to lose a limb, and it wasn't going to be him.

King Hyrule shrugged, which was an interesting thing to do with eight chins. "Eh. Well, that Marth fellow made a lovely offer as well. Plus, royalty, which is a good thing."

"MARTH..." Link hissed, nearly pulling several muscles as he tried to perform a full-body preemptive grimace. He gagged a little, and managed to relax, removing his fingers from their grooves on the castle stairs. He stood up and took a deep breath, brushing the stone particles off his tunic before fixing his face in a horrendous forced grin. "Sorry, just a touch of.... gnomish... epilepsy."

King Hyrule laughed and slapped Link on the back. "Oh, my, I know how that is. We've got a cook who has gnomish epilepsy to certain people! Just starts flinging knives whenever I enter a room. Poor chap. Anyways, since you and Marth are both so fond of my daughter, I decided to throw a tournament to decide who is worthy enough to marry her. I sent out invitations to all the neighboring nations, and Kaepora Gaebora so kindly volunteered to deliver them."

"Oh, good, the tournament will never happen," Link said, chuckling slightly. Indeed the owl had been getting incredibly old, to the point where he only really had four internal organs functioning. This, of course, had nothing to do with Link's use of the Ocarina of Time to speed up time only for the owl, so the feathered sadist would die quicker.

"Of course it will," King Hyrule chuckled, making his chin fat wobble dangerously. "I've got a couple of special contractors, you know. They'll have the stadium completed in no time at all, and then it can all begin."

Link sighed heavily. Well, at least he would be a hundred times better than that prissy excuse for a prince. "When is this supposed to start, anyways?"

"Tomorrow!"

It took every bit of resolve Link had to remove his fingers from the king's fat neck. He took a deep breath, smoothing his shirt a little.

"Terribly sorry," he said to King Hyrule. "Gotta.... shake off that gnomish epilepsy."

He walked off, leaving the king to his own devices, and decided to go to bed a little early. Besides, if he wanted to have the opportunity to slaughter the opposition, he needed a good night's rest.

-------------------------------

This is a fanfic that has been many many months in the making. It violates most of the rules of physics, almost all of the ten commandments, and pretty much is an insult to humanity in general. It's the product of me and my sister, but since I'm doing the writing, I'm the one posting it. Plus, she doesn't have an account.

Also, I apologize for everything.

Moral of the Day: Get your sleep kids, because you'll never know when you'll have to slaughter people mercilessly for the sake of getting some.


End file.
